Okay, today I slept through most expect the double period (2HRS!) Social Studies lecture on The Palestine/Israeli war. Its really sad. Anyway tomorrow is the last day of extra remedials for all Sec3s! But I gotta rush on filming, the dateline in in two weeks! Anyhoo, today after school we were all jamming to music, and we all got really hyper, but I decided to follow Nattawut and XiuQi!

narcolepticmind|7:00 AM

Okay, Foundation Programme is almost finally over. Thank god its all lab sessions for science and lectures for most of the rest. I think the only theory class was Math. Its so much better in aircon for lectures, I realise I actually listen. Today took a compre about The Kite Runner, I think I may pick up the book, very interesting.

narcolepticmind|9:16 PM

Okay, foundation programme is not that bad. not so boring anymore. I don't sleep in class anymore, and I'm notorious for sleeping. I'm now alot more free in the afternoons, meaning I GET TO CATCH UP WITH OLD FRIENDS! Like YP and Jas from P3!

Okay alot of stuff has happened this past week. Daren's bday just passed, and we surprised him at his house at like 8pm? With cake and alot of gifts in one box! He was like, Holy Shit. AHAHAHHA. Jason ran down from his dinner at Ikea and we had cake at JE. Went out for lunch with Carol, Audrey and the rest! Talked to Sufiyan and Russell! Lunch at AMK with Rachel and Danica!

Okay, so this whole week Xiaohui is at NCO camp, so no new songs for me! Been watching alot of Korean reality talk shows or whatever, you realise they have a real scene there, like all the internationally known bands, girl groups, dramas, and that stupid BOF. SG is getting boring.

Got a haircut just now. I hate nosy hairdressers. It happens to me all the time. The same old questions. "Are you Singaporean? Are you Chinese or what?" (In cheena accent). Saw Sean and the rest, but was really blur, didn't catch anything they said. I'm really sad that I may not be able to film this Friday, half the cast and crew are away.

My hair is so short, it matches my height. Gdnight people.


narcolepticmind|4:28 AM

I dunno if anyone has the same feeling. Ever since young, I've always been afraid of sleeping. Like cause when I was young, I would wake up not being able to move. My lips would be closed, so I can't breathe and I couldn't move, it was very scary. I would usually wake up crying, near suffocation and it was freaky.

Thus nowadays when I go to sleep, I would find an excuse not to. Like using the computer or something. Because when you lie down and close your eyes, its like submitting yourself to death. Its abit scary, you dunno whats happening when you're asleep.
What do you guys think? Do you guys have the same thing?


narcolepticmind|3:13 AM

okay, so it took me awhile to regroup. like my sister said, life's a rollercoaster. and it really was. After all the fast-paced things, the rushing off after school, the juggling, the long days and late nights, I finally found a little time to stop, and look at myself again.

I've gotten abit more time to myself, to rethink and really re-evaluate stuff. Now that I'm free after school, I've made more trips back to my home in Cashew to clean up my room. I actually got time to just sit down, and look through everything. I've thrown out bags and bags of stuff. Well, not as much as the squad during costume day, but I mean it was ALOT for a single person. All the junk I accumulated from shopping all the time, in what seems like a decade ago.

I've even found old pictures, such as pics from my trip to Perth in P2. Weirdest thing is that I read on Danica's blog that Rachel's going to Perth. HEHE. My sister absolutely loathes me for resurfacing the pictures in which she finds herself completely different, especially since I loaded in the CD when her boyfriend was there. Translation = He got to see old school pics of her.

Which brings me to the fact that I now have more time, and I've actually seen my family in quite a while. Monthes or weeks actually, for some of them. My teacher was shocked that my mom actually signed my form, not my granny. As for my sister, she's busy working but I've scheduled dinner with her some day, and she can finally tell me about her trip to HongKong. The pics looked fantastic. I wish my family went on a holiday.

I've had alot of 'ME' time, but now life resumes again. Back to my black planner with all my dates on and events and everything. I have yet to confirm an overnight filming this Friday, and then on Sunday I got another photoshoot, with Basyar! Hopefully. And I can't wait for this Sat! Going to see my buddies, wait ahem, my bros and sisters from other mothers! Love ya guys.


narcolepticmind|9:23 AM

okay, i know that i'm resuming my life again, after the entire aftermath. i still have no qualms, i still want to thank them for eveything.

but the only sad part that I cant get over is that I didnt even know anything. I was in camp, and only got to go online on Sunday. I'm sad that so many people are gone. Its the war that matters, and not the soldiers who die for the cause, but still, I had time to myself on Sunday to remember those who have past on, including me.

I have gone out these past two days, and everything is in a whole new light. My school seems totally different. It may not be my favourite place, but now it seems like my battleground to survive. So I may have to suck it up, and just get my O level.

And it makes me think about friendship. All these while, I have neglected my few true friends that have been with me for so many years. Compare this to hardly anyone smsing me after what happened this Sat. But a few are still smsing me and keeping in touch, and I am thankful for that. I love all you guys, good luck in everything. As for me, gimme a while to rethink things.

Cause right now I'm in the eye of a tornado. I got hit by the storm, and now Im floating in between dealing with the aftermath, waiting for the other side to hit me again. And when it hits me, it will be final, and I can finally move on with the fight.

Goodbye people. It has been worth every single second, and I just need time.


narcolepticmind|8:28 AM

I honestly dunno what to say. It hit me like a bus when Kim told me about it. I didn't even receive the notification or the sms. Then one by one the others started to message me. I nearly cried right there on the spot during the "campfire", but the teachers would have questioned me like anything. I cried in the showers, and when everyone was sleeping, i was staring at my phone, wishing someone would sms me, saying this was a test. Thats why I "woke" to bath so early. I kept thinking of all the things I lost, my entire future gone in one go.

Then I thought to myself, and I really that terrible? I remember a saying, that I was a jack of all trades, but a master of none. That kept ringing in my head. I was in the Straits Times also, but I wasn't selected for another year. I begged myself that it wont happen with the squad, and now its happened. I went to the dance studio in my condo everytime I could, and practiced in school no matter how ridiculous I looked. The worse was when I went on FB and realised I got removed as a friend. That was when it hit me.

But you know what, I'm not complaining. I want to thank G and Yan, for everything they've thought me. You been so great to all of us, and you've changed me so much. I finally got to change for the better, like that time at west coast when I cried like anything. You have treated me so well and changed me so much. I always wanted to do something with my life, and everything I did the finale dance or anything, I always felt that spirit in me soar and it always made me wanna cry. Some people say they wanna meet next Sat to talk, but even if this is the end for me, I will never stop fighting. I will fight, even if it has to be by myself, to succeed in my passion, and never become a disgusting typical singaporean.

Shit, I'm crying now. All those dreams I had at night, listening to music, thinking of dance in my head, its all gone. But most of all, I'm sorry I wasn't good enough in time, that I won't be able to join you guys in changing the world of theatre and everything. To try and succeed in Jerzy's concept. I tried so hard to make myself more open and vulnerable, I bet Rachel knows one of the ways I tried. So sorry, G, Yan, for not being good enough. For stumbling here and there when I was helping, for being a blur turtle. You have given me so much, and I have given nothing in return. You have changed my life, and I will never be the same.

As for the rest of the squad members, I couldn't have found better friends, who were interested in the same things, striving for the same goals. I hope we can stay in touch and continue to strive for our goals. We may never get to dance together, working hard into the night at the factory, staring in the mirror with the props in the background, but we got so much. All the good times, at west coast, at sengkang. I will never forget it. I ransaked my stuff to find everything that reminded me of squad, and I even found Rachel's pink notebook on the Shine project.

I'm never giving up, on the fight, on anything. Once again, thank you G and Yan, for EVERYTHING. Good luck in the future on everything, Moody, and Veronica. I regret that I wont get to see her grow up. I wish you guys all the best. Good luck, Hakim, Anna, Rachel, Hil, and whoever who's in Moody. Be grateful that you're in, its a chance in a lifetime, that many of us lost out on. Good luck.

narcolepticmind|6:45 AM